Online Dating The Art of Selection

Dating manuals thick as telephone directories can be written on the subject of selecting the right dating partner. The key to the selection process is not to focus on our potential dating partner, but to focus on our ingrained human instincts. What are these human instincts? Imagination and desire are our enemies!

As we approach dating relationships from our own point of view, many individuals fall short in reaching their goals. There are countless reasons why most individuals finish in last place when commencing to build healthy dating relationships. Imagination and desire will cripple a dating relationship before the relationship starts, and before you know it, you are right back at the starting gate with a new dating partner or wish you were!

Beginning the dating process, we often focus on what we want in our dating partner and not his/her present composition. Captive is our rational self by our imagination and blinded by desire. The moment we are introduced to someone, or view some photos, profiles or personal ads online – we immediately enter an imaginary world, especially if he/she is physically attractive. It is our own little world constructed by our imagination; at this point, we lose all sense of reality. Reality is what exists now and imagination is what we want to exist, which is the total opposite. Our reliant on our intoxicated senses, intoxicated by imagination and desire leads us into total darkness. As a result, our objectivity fades away into the background.

This unreal portrayal depicts a fictional fairytale hero that originates from the desire to realize the storybook romance. On the surface, the storybook romance syndrome appears to be harmless. When individuals attempt to convert their imagination into a dating reality, total destruction visits the dating relationship, leaving the residue of psychological devastation behind. The storybook romance syndrome has defaced the truth about dating relationships, retarding them from ever having a chance of realizing success.

To achieve a blissful dating relationship with the hope of achieving a long lasting marriage, you must not select a dating partner based on your imagination. You must remain focused on reality; you must also focus on objectivity and not subjectivity. In the absence of an objective criteria to resort to in selecting your dating partner; your only alternative is to turn to a sincere, trusted family member or friend for help in the selection process. They will be more incline to exercise an objective approach. Remember this, when you are in the picture, you can’t see the picture! Investigate patiently your potential dating partner and never rely on your own senses, you may finish first in the race to a healthy dating relationship. Good Luck!

Online Dating – Have Fun And Avoid The Lurking Dangers

Web Dating Fun

Meeting people on the internet should be enjoyable and fun. You should be able to meet lots of people, spend a little time getting to know each one, narrow them down to the few or the one you think you would like to at least be friends with, and then get to know him, her or them better. Finally you should arrive at a comfortable point where it is time to move to the next stage, personal contact.

The people you wish to eliminate early should recognize that it is not personal, it is not animosity, it is not rudeness. It is simply a matter of having too many options to follow up on every person in detail, and therefore having to exercise your discretion based on limited information together with gut instinct and/or intuition. You can’t spend too much time on every person you encounter so you have to devote the time you do have to those who spark some real interest in you. The people you must quickly reject, assuming you do so in a polite and fair manner, should recognize that it simply wasn’t their moment in time formeeting you.

And if you want to keep it enjoyable and fun, when you are the one being rejected you must recognize the same thing – it wasn’t your moment in time for meeting the person rejecting you. In the simplest terms, keep an open mind and remember that on the internet the options are so endless that the next great potential friend or partner is just around the cyber corner.

But there are other things to keep always in mind in order to enjoy your web dating experience instead of allowing it to become a disaster.

Web Dating Safety

As we have said, web dating can be, and probably 99% of the time is, a lot of fun. The following information is not designed to scare you away from web dating or any other use of the internet. Rather it is intended to help ensure that you never have to fall into that 1% of people who do not end up having a good experience dating on the internet.

There are three general categories of individuals (villains) you can encounter on the web who represent a danger or threat to your web safety, and to some extent to your psychological and even physical well being. These people are the basic scum of the earth and require your ongoing vigilance. We have divided them into three categories based not on the type of activity they engage in, which is similarly fraudulent activity based upon lies and deceit, but is rather divided according to the degree of harm they may be prepared or intending to inflict upon you. They are, from the most harmful to least harmful, the following:

1. Predators

These people are truly one in a million, and there is scant evidence that any of the serious predator crimes discussed under this heading have ever taken place in connection with a web dating site. But there is legitimate concern that it may happen someday. It is of course a major concern with similarly styled predators (pedophiles) preying on children on the internet. So don’t panic please, as owners of an International Online Dating Site, we just feel it our duty to advise you of any risks to be on the lookout for.

Predators have no conscience and are prepared, indeed planning, to do you grievous harm. They include men who have intentions of sexual assaults on unsuspecting women, and individuals, couples or groups who may wish to lure you, be you male or female, halfway around the world in order rob you, kidnap you, enslave you or worse. Of course they are a few individuals out of millions, and your chances of encountering one of them are extremely low, perhaps lower than being struck by lightning, but if you do you should know the signs to look for and the precautions to take.

Of course their plans are detailed and well thought out, so they will always have a good story to tell. Watch out for too good a story. They have an agenda, so watch out for someone who doesn’t want to adapt to your needs. They need to be in control and want to get you on their turf, so don’t let them set all the guidelines as to where your first meeting will take place, or when. If you aren’t easily controlled you make a difficult victim – it becomes easier to just pass on you and look for someone who does what they’re told. However, we are not experts on this subject. If you wish to know more one place you might start is a book called “Web Stalkers – Protect Yourself from Internet Criminals and Psychopaths”, written by Donald Andert & Donald K. Burleson.

2. Scammers

Scammers are individuals who do not have intentions of inflicting any physical damage upon you; they just want your money. Unfortunately these people abound on web dating sites. Quality Online Dating Sites are taking as many steps as possible to weed this type of member out. Unfortunately, it isn’t possible to catch them all in advance and we require some evidence that a member is scamming before we can refuse them or terminate their memberships. Websites that charge for services are going to be far more diligent about guarding against Scammers, and in fact the so called “Free” sites have some reason to welcome Scammers as they are the ones that really are best at appealing to many members and keeping the site busy. If you find someone clearly trying to scam you, report their activities to the website. If you aren’t satisfied with their response condsider moving on to another site. A Quality Site will also notify all members when a Scammer has been discovered to ensure that no one else is caught in their web.

Scammers are almost invariably (probably 95% of the time) registered on a dating site as a female member. That doesn’t mean they are female, frequently the person behind the female profile is a man, and just as frequently a couple, one man and one woman. The scammer will develop your interest in her, and then start to need your assistance, financial assistance specifically. At first, usually the amount she needs seems so small to you that you can’t believe it is a scam. In your mind it just isn’t enough to bother with. Maybe she developed a computer problem, and if she can’t get it fixed how can she continue to communicate with you? Maybe her Mom is ill and needs some medicine. She hates to place her problems in your lap, but she feels so close to you already, and she has nowhere else to turn. Of course you’ll send her the $50 needed to solve this problem. You love that she would ask you to help.

The tricky part is that it could easily be true, maybe her computer really did break down, maybe her Mom really is sick. You can’t be sure and to turn her down may just cost you the most wonderful chance at happiness you’ve had in years. It could all be true, and the scammer knows that, that’s why her/his story is so good. But it may not be true, and there may be 19 other guys falling for the same story at the same time. Suddenly that $50 is actually $1,000 and that’s a nice monthly income in China, and a small fortune in a place like Russia, Vietnam and most other third world countries.

And it could just be stage one of a plan to eventually invade your bank account or turn you into a monthly supporter. We have heard from good sources of female members on some Russian sites who have 4 or more “fianc├ęs”, each of whom is supporting her with a good monthly income.

Other scams involve simply getting you to provide your email address, which batched in with hundreds of others is a saleable commodity. Or to have you click on a link that will ultimately allow her/him full access to your computer, your identity, your personal information and ultimately, your bank account.

Watch out for a member who too quickly wants you to go directly to personal email contact. If in that first or second message you are already being asked to email her address from your own, ask yourself why? You can continue to message her from your Web Dating site for a long time at no additional cost. One of your greatest protections is just to stay on the dating site for communications until you are confident she is for real. The scammer desperately wants off site as quickly as possible, to avoid being caught and to get more personal. Usually a scammer will tire after maintaining contact on the site for even a few messages, because she/he wants easier targets to deal with. She/he will drop you and move on to easier fish to catch.

Of course watch out for someone who too quickly asks for money. In the case of our website, which focuses on Chinese women and International Men, we can confidently say that genuine and sincere Chinese ladies do not wish to lose face with you, and to ask a stranger for money is a loss of face. She will do almost anything to find other sources of money, friends or family, a second job, even selling something she owns, before she will lose face with you if she is genuinely interested in you for the right reasons. And we bet this is true of all women who really are interested in you, not only Chinese women.

3. Game Players

Game Players are website members who are not after your money, but they are after something of value – your pride, your psyche, your sense of well being. They are usually male members, but that statistic is becoming less true all the time. These are people who, for some reason, stroke their own egos by damaging yours. It’s okay to play games if the person on the other side is also playing games, and both sides are aware of it. But it’s quite another thing to deceive someone into trusting you just so you can deflate their pride or even break their heart. But for some reason the game player thinks that a “loss” for you is a “win” for him/her.

The variety of games being played is endless, far too varied for us to provide a list. In the case of male game players, probably the ultimate goal is a consensual sexual conquest. But it might be a final giving in to a request for sexy pictures, or something more innocent, like simply having a number of women’s interest, all wanting him at the same time. For the female game player the goal might be receipt of nice gifts, especially from several men at the same time, or maybe she finds self worth in being told she is loved and admired by as many men as possible. The point is, don’t let your self worth suffer at the hands of these people.

As the dating site it is almost impossible for us to control this behavior. We can’t terminate someone’s membership because another person complains of ill treatment unless that is backed up by solid evidence, and solid evidence is almost impossible to provide. Given undeniably clear evidence of improper behavior we will terminate a member’s status, but it almost always becomes one member’s word against another, and we cannot be the one to judge on that basis. However, we do offer one excellent tool to protect you from another member’s unwanted attention, your Blacklist. On Quality Online Dating sites you are entitled to place any other member you wish on your Blacklist and once on your Blacklist that other member is unable to contact you in any manner.

Watch out for someone who is too quick to express real love (why would someone seriously searching for a life partner jump into “love” overnight), someone who seems preoccupied while chatting with you (maybe he/she is chatting with several members at once), someone who doesn’t remember the things you’ve written in your profile or told him/her in a previous message (maybe he/she is juggling too many dates) or someone who says something in a chat or a message that doesn’t seem to be directed at you, like asking you about Sidney, Australia, when you live in Vancouver, Canada (maybe you’re being confused with someone else on his/her list of conquests).

Most importantly of all, when you find yourself the victim of a game player, remember that it is his/her fragile sense of self worth that brought you there, not your own. He/she is truly the “loser”. Don’t give up on the rest of the members of your favorite site because most of them are truly, sincerely and honestly searching for you. Take care to avoid the Predators, Scammers and Game Players, and Online Dating can be great fun and it can lead to a true and lasting relationship.

The Psychology of Online Dating: He Wants and She Is

In the first article in this series (The Psychologists Viewpoint) I outlined the different types of research using personal advertisements, generally printed advertisements published on the ‘lonely hearts’ pages of newspapers and magazines.

You will recall that over the last few years psychologists have collected and analysed thousands of these personal descriptions, and have found patterns and sex differences in what people want from a partner, how people advertise themselves to a prospective partner, and how well they pick up on the sort of things the other sex is looking for. This article looks at this from the perspective of male desires and female self-descriptions; looking at what men have actually said they are looking for in a partner, and how good women are at saying the right things to attract a man. Although this is about male wants it is probably of more use to women, particularly when you are considering the sort of thing to say in the ‘in your own words’ box of your online dating profile.

Firstly we will discuss the features that men particularly seek when describing their ideal partner and how women use their knowledge of this when describing themselves. Secondly we will consider how good women are at this – are there some things that women could say that would make a big difference? Finally we will consider how women can best use this information to hook the interest and get a proper look from men who are browsing through pages and pages of online profiles.

Before you read any further, pause for a moment and ask yourself what men are typically looking for in a female partner. Think of maybe four things and note them down … now read on.

What does the research say?

One of the strongest results to emerge from examining personal advertisements is the sex difference in the importance of attractiveness. Apart from age and sex, attractiveness (beauty, good looks etc.) is the most frequently described characteristic in personal advertisements written by both men and women but a whole range of studies have found that women are much more likely to describe themselves as attractive or using similar terms (handsome, beautiful, good looking etc.) than men are, and men are far more likely to say they are looking for someone who is attractive than women are.

This suggests that not only are men more interested in a partner’s physical attractiveness than women but that women already know and use this information. This is also backed up when you look at other physical descriptions such as hair and eye colour. Women are far more likely to mention their own hair and eye colour than men and men are far more likely to say they are looking for a ‘brown eyed brunette’ (or whatever) than women are. The other physical attribute that stands out is build or weight, often expressed as dress size. Granted there is no simple male equivalent to a woman describing herself as a ‘size 10’ (pretty slim in UK dress sizes) but there are plenty of other words (trim, slender, muscular) that could be used. Even so, men are more likely to describe the size/weight range of the person they are looking for than women, and women are more likely to describe their own size, build or weight than men.

Another important factor that emerges from the research is age. Age is almost always mentioned in advertisements written by both men and women. Usually both the age of the writer and the age range of their preferred partner are specified. There is little difference in whether or not age is mentioned so it looks like it is similarly important to both sexes. However there is a difference when you start looking at the actual numbers. In general, women are looking for someone of similar age to themselves or someone who is older by a few years. It is rare to come across a woman who states she is looking for someone younger. Men are usually looking for someone of a similar age or younger, in some cases considerably younger. This suggests youth is something that is valued by men, and perhaps this ties in with ideas about what is attractive.

Apart from stating their physiological age in years, many women who are (perhaps) re-entering the dating scene a little later in life give a more subjective evaluation of their age, usually saying something that implies youth such as young at heart, youthful, or looks younger. Older men also do this but it is much more common in women’s self-descriptions and women begin to use claims of youthfulness at earlier ages than men.

Overall, then, looking at personal advertisements the biggest difference between men and women is over description of physical characteristics including attractiveness and body size or shape, and specific physical features that may be considered attractive such as eye colour and hair colour. Age ties in with this if we assume a link between youth and attractiveness. Men tend to want younger, sometimes much younger partners while women, particularly older women, tend to describe themselves as being youthful in outlook or directly tie this in with looks by claiming to be young looking for their age.

On a wider level, a number of researchers have remarked that when women describe themselves they tend to emphasise their male-valued, physical traits rather than the traits that they, as women, place value on. It would be easy to argue that women do this because they hold stereotypical, even prejudiced views of men but the strong evidence of a match between how women describe themselves and what men actually say they want indicates women have got it about right. It appears that when women write an advertisement or dating profile, they often do a good job of writing for a male audience and seem to have a pretty clear idea of how best to promote themselves and attract male attention.

How can we use this?

Most of this is unsurprising and you may be thinking that you already knew this. However you now know for sure that this is not just prejudice but is backed up by scientific research. More importantly, this is knowledge you can use to improve your own profile.

Although there is little you can do to change your age, attractiveness and physical features, there is plenty of scope to decide what you emphasise and the kind of language you use. I am not suggesting that you lie, particularly since the whole idea is that you will eventually meet up and overt lying about physical features would do you no good at all. Without lying it is perfectly possible to focus on your best features and try to use the kind of keywords that men are likely to pick up on.

With online dating profiles, photographs are generally a prerequisite to getting responses and given the sex differences in the importance of attractiveness, it’s probably fair to say a good quality photo showing you in your best light is particularly important for women.

Apart from this there are the ‘in your own words’ sections of your profile. If you or others consider you attractive then mention this, don’t worry about the fact that it is already in the form-like section of your profile. If you are slim then mention this. If you are not comfortable with claiming either of these then mention your most attractive features such as your beautiful eyes, lovely auburn hair, attractive personality and/or young outlook. Notice the language I am using: it may seem trivial but adjectives like attractive, beautiful, lovely and young will catch the attention of the men who (on average) are more interested in this sort of thing than women. Men are predisposed towards spotting this kind of thing and even those who claim to be more interested in personality than looks will notice these words. If you feel you can refer to yourself as young and stunningly beautiful with a great figure then do so. If you don’t feel that confident then use more moderate language or qualify these statements (young at heart, considered beautiful by some, attractive figure) and refer to specific features like your hair and eyes. Using key words such as these and mentioning your physical features makes it more likely you will grab his attention and your profile will get more than a brief scan and then move on.

To wrap things up, this article has outlined the results of psychological research into what men say they want in a partner and how women describe themselves. This information has then been used to provide insight into the sort of language that might help a woman’s personal description catch a man’s eye.

The next article in this series, She wants and he is, turns the tables and considers what women say they want from men, how men describe themselves, and how good (or bad) men are at picking up on what women are actually looking for in a partner.